I debated about whether or not to write this post. My intention for writing it isn't depressing all of you who didn't know about our loss. My intention is honoring the very purpose of our blog: recording our family's journey to loving God and other's. While our last month has been excurtiatingly difficult, we still know that this experience will make us more like Jesus, the One our lives is all about.
In mid-April Lelia was telling both Tom and myself that, "Mommy has a baby brother in her tummy." Niether of us understood why she was saying that. Two weeks later, on April 25th, the day before my birthday, we got the positive pregnancy test that confirmed we were indeed having another baby. We were so excited, we really wanted another child and God gave us one the very first month we began trying!
About 2 weeks after that I asked Lelia where her baby brother was, (patting my belly). She said in a sad voice, "I don't have a baby brother anymore." We didn't understand why she was saying that until another week later. I woke up one more and knew, it was over, we were not going to meet this baby during out time here on earth. Strangly, the first thing I thought was that I would be able to help other women through something very hard after all of this was over.
That morning I was in the car taking the girls to a friend's (the Cantor's) house so that I could get blood work done to confirm that I was miscarrying a pregnancy. As we pulled into the Cantor's driveway Lelia said, "Mommy, the baby is crying?" I said, "What baby, Honey?" She said, "The baby in your belly?" I was speachless. I just simply didn't know what to say. It wasn't until Friday that the tears came...and came....and came.
Interestingly enough, one of Lelia's favorite new songs is Blessed Be Your Name. Part of the song goes like this: "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your glorious name." I wish I could say that I have succeeded in saying those words to God all the way through this time. I have not been perfect. Have I questioned why this had to happen? Absolutely. However, I know that God loves me and I also know I just don't see everything as clearly as He does. He knows what I need far better than I do.
In mid-April Lelia was telling both Tom and myself that, "Mommy has a baby brother in her tummy." Niether of us understood why she was saying that. Two weeks later, on April 25th, the day before my birthday, we got the positive pregnancy test that confirmed we were indeed having another baby. We were so excited, we really wanted another child and God gave us one the very first month we began trying!
About 2 weeks after that I asked Lelia where her baby brother was, (patting my belly). She said in a sad voice, "I don't have a baby brother anymore." We didn't understand why she was saying that until another week later. I woke up one more and knew, it was over, we were not going to meet this baby during out time here on earth. Strangly, the first thing I thought was that I would be able to help other women through something very hard after all of this was over.
That morning I was in the car taking the girls to a friend's (the Cantor's) house so that I could get blood work done to confirm that I was miscarrying a pregnancy. As we pulled into the Cantor's driveway Lelia said, "Mommy, the baby is crying?" I said, "What baby, Honey?" She said, "The baby in your belly?" I was speachless. I just simply didn't know what to say. It wasn't until Friday that the tears came...and came....and came.
Interestingly enough, one of Lelia's favorite new songs is Blessed Be Your Name. Part of the song goes like this: "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your glorious name." I wish I could say that I have succeeded in saying those words to God all the way through this time. I have not been perfect. Have I questioned why this had to happen? Absolutely. However, I know that God loves me and I also know I just don't see everything as clearly as He does. He knows what I need far better than I do.
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